How to Get Comfortable with Uncomfortable Conversations
- Hannah Olarewaju
- 3 days ago
- 5 min read
Conversations about discrimination, bias, conflict or personal values are rarely easy.
They often stir emotions we would rather avoid. Such as:
The fear of saying the wrong thing
Anxiety about offending someone
Worrying about being misunderstood
The discomfort of hearing perspectives that challenge our own
As humans, we are naturally wired to seek comfort and avoid situations that feel uncertain or emotionally risky. It is no surprise, then, that many of us choose silence over speaking up.
Yet avoiding uncomfortable conversations rarely makes difficult issues disappear. Instead, misunderstandings deepen and opportunities for learning are lost. In workplaces especially, where people from different backgrounds and personalities come together. Needing to have difficult discussions is not a sign that something is wrong, but could mean that something important needs attention.
Discomfort is not an emotion in itself, but rather the term we use to cover up the much deeper feelings we experience. This may be fear, shame, embarrassment or ignorance. When we feel discomfort, it’s our ‘protective alarm’ blaring. Whether it's a conversation about discrimination or a bear running towards us. The brain is asking, ‘Am I safe?’. So when we encounter situations that are unfamiliar or emotionally demanding, the brain interprets them as potential threats, activating the stress response. This is why you may experience these in the moment:
Increased heart rate
Muscle tension
Sweaty palms
A racing mind
An urge to escape the conversation
Although we may try to avoid the discomfort; we may decide to change the subject, stay silent, become defensive or agree just to end the conversation. It does not mean we are incapable, insensitive, or doing something wrong. In many cases, discomfort is simply evidence that we are engaging with something meaningful. Something new that we are still learning how to process and cope with.
The goal is not to eliminate discomfort but to develop the emotional intelligence to navigate it with curiosity. When we learn to approach sensitive conversations thoughtfully, we create environments where people feel heard, valued and safe enough to contribute honestly, even when opinions differ.
Nina Jablonski’s Living Colour: The Biological and Social Meaning of Skin Colour (2012) states that…
‘Erroneous and deep seated notions about race persist because we are scared to discuss misconceptions about colour and race in our classrooms and boardrooms.’
She goes on to explain this further, adding that the reluctance to have these conversations leads to the cloaking of discriminatory behaviours and language. But why? Why are we so reluctant to have these conversations?
Simply because we find it uncomfortable. The discomfort stems from having to access a part of ourselves that we have kept hidden, suppressed or protected because it brings up feelings of sadness or guilt and can trigger memories of past experiences that have caused trauma.
Which are understandable reasons as to why you would rather be silent.
But the society we live in now is imploring us to stop being silent. When online spaces are becoming nesting grounds for hate and discrimination, your voice of peace and inclusion can truly make a difference. So let’s work on how to become more comfortable with uncomfortable conversations.
Accept the Feeling
The first thing I will ask you to do is to accept the feeling of discomfort.
Whether you are feeling uncomfortable due to being the subject of these discussions. For example during discussions of Race, you may become uncomfortable if you have been a victim of Racism. Or you're feeling discomfort because you lack knowledge about the topic discussion. Both of these reasons are valid but the discomfort you feel is not your cue to stop, but rather your cue to dig deeper into what you are feeling and why.
Acknowledge that you feel uncomfortable.
Find out why you feel uncomfortable.
Address the ‘why’ by pushing through and having the conversation with yourself first.
There is an emotional intelligent technique called Scripting that I encourage everyone to do. It’s a writing exercise that allows you to ask yourself questions and give yourself an opportunity to ‘free answer’. Free answering is giving yourself total permission to be honest about the answer to the question. When you're able to be free with questioning and answering yourself, you build your awareness with the reality of your thoughts. If you need more insight on this, please contact us for an Emotional Intelligence Coaching session.
Acknowledge Different Perspectives
Allow yourself to see the world from different people's perspectives. I say ‘allow yourself’ because it may not be something that you are used to doing and can require some effort.
The reality is that, for some of us, it may be hard to put ourselves in others' circumstances and believe what they are saying. But it’s a very important skillset to have, in order to follow through on an uncomfortable conversation. It’s called having Empathy and is a very important aspect to having uncomfortable conversations in a healthy and appropriate way.
But what is empathy?
It is the ability to perceive and relate to the experiences of others through understanding.
It’s about seeing (& feeling!) circumstances and experiences from others’ perspective, especially from those with different identities to us.
It is about reacting with compassion rather than judgment.
Having empathy and being an empathetic person means having the ability to understand the needs of others, and being aware of their feelings and thoughts. Empathy encourages us to be more person-focused, emotionally intelligent and culturally intelligent. It fosters the ability to see others, which is critical to our personal and professional lives.
The power of empathy is that we are able to establish true connections with one another, which creates safety. Which we know enhances relationships and workplace performance.
So how can we show more empathy?
Pay attention to others so you can better understand the needs of your team.
Show sincere interest in the needs, hopes and dreams of other people.
Establish Safety
Establishing safety is an underrated aspect of having uncomfortable conversations. We may go straight into these things without considering first whether the environment is suitable for a conversation like this. Or whether the people present have been prepared for it. We should not underestimate the importance of safety; psychologically and physically. Because of past experiences our discomfort may stem from not feeling safe enough to express our feelings.
Not feeling safe enough to share our experiences.
Not feeling safe enough to challenge inappropriate, discriminatory and harmful behaviours.
Not feeling safe enough can really stop us from having the conversations that we need to be having. So work on establishing safe boundaries for having these conversations.
This can include;
Understanding and communicating your triggers
Practising open communication and active listening
Being aware of language, body language and tone when communicating
Once safety has been established, uncomfortable conversations may be easier to have. Instead of it causing anxiety, we can start to shift our mindset to:
This is me learning something new.
It’s my assumption that is being challenged, not me.
I’m simply hearing another person's lived experience.
I’m developing empathy.
I’m stepping outside your comfort zone.
This is where emotional intelligence training and coaching can really change things for you! Because emotionally intelligent people don't necessarily feel less discomfort, they're simply better equipped to manage it.
Many models of learning describe a progression from a comfort zone into a learning or growth zone, where new and behaviours develop. The aim isn't to push people into overwhelming stress, but to help them tolerate enough discomfort to reflect, adapt and grow. If the challenge becomes too great, people may enter a state of distress where learning becomes much harder.
Take any form of discomfort as an invitation rather than an obstacle. Be invited to pause, reflect, understand ourselves, and engage with more awareness of where the discomfort stems from. Whether we're giving feedback, addressing conflict or supporting a co-worker, our ability to remain present through discomfort can determine the outcome.
At The EQi Glow, our Emotional Intelligence coaching helps individuals and leaders build the confidence, self-awareness and communication skills needed to navigate discomfort with empathy, resilience and authenticity.
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